TED | 为什么我们保持着联系却仍旧孤单

演讲精彩片段（节选）欣赏

These days, those phones in our pockets are changing our minds and hearts because they offer us three gratifying fantasies. One, that we can put our attention wherever we want it to be; two, that we will always be heard; and three, that we will never have to be alone. And that third idea, that we will never have to be alone, is central to changing our psyches. Because the moment that people are alone, even for a few seconds, they become anxious, they panic, they fidget, they reach for a device. Just think of people at a checkout line or at a red light. Being alone feels like a problem that needs to be solved. And so people try to solve it by connecting. But here, connection is more like a symptom than a cure. It expresses, but it doesn’t solve, an underlying problem. But more than a symptom, constant connection is changing the way people think of themselves. It’s shaping a new way of being.

如今，我们口袋中的手机正在改变我们的想法和我们的心灵，缘于它们带来了三种让人兴奋的错觉。一，我们可以把精力分配到任何我们想关注的地方；二，总会有人倾听我们；三，我们永远都不用独自一人。这第三种，“我们永远不用独处”的错觉对于改变我们的心理状态是最关键的。因为当人们独处的时候，即使只有几秒钟，他们也会变得焦虑、恐慌、坐立不安，因而转向那些电子设备。想想在人们排队的时候，等红灯的时候。独处像是变成了一个亟待解决的问题。所以人们试着用联系别人的方法解决它。但是这种联系更像是一种症状而不是真正的治疗。它表达着我们的焦虑，却没有解决根本的问题，但是它又不仅仅是一种症状——频繁的联系改变着人们对自己的理解。它催生了一种新的生活方式。

The best way to describe it is, I share therefore I am. We use technology to define ourselves by sharing our thoughts and feelings even as we’re having them. So before it was: I have a feeling, I want to make a call. Now it’s: I want to have a feeling, I need to send a text. The problem with this new regime of “I share therefore I am” is that, if we don’t have connection, we don’t feel like ourselves. We almost don’t feel ourselves. So what do we do? We connect more and more. But in the process, we set ourselves up to be isolated.

对此最好的描述是，“我分享，故我在”我们用技术来定义自己——分享我们的想法和感觉，甚至在我们刚刚产生这些想法的时候。所以以前，情况是我有一个想法，我想打电话告诉别人。现在，事情变成了，我想要有个想法，所以我需要发短信告诉别人。这种“我分享，故我在”的问题在于如果我们跟别人断了联系，我们就感觉不再是自己了。我们几乎感觉不到自己的存在了。所以我们应该怎么办呢？我们的联系越来越多。但是与此用时我们也要把自己隔绝起来。

How do you get from connection to isolation? You end up isolated if you don’t cultivate the capacity for solitude, the ability to be separate, to gather yourself. Solitude is where you find yourself so that you can reach out to other people and form real attachments. When we don’t have the capacity for solitude, we turn to other people in order to feel less anxious or in order to feel alive. When this happens, we’re not able to appreciate who they are. It’s as though we’re using them as spare parts to support our fragile sense of self. We slip into thinking that always being connected is going to make us feel less alone. But we’re at risk, because actually it’s the opposite that’s true. If we’re not able to be alone, we’re going to be more lonely. And if we don’t teach our children to be alone, they’re only going to know how to be lonely.

为什么联系会导致隔绝呢？原因是没有培养独处的能力——一种可以与外界分离，集中自己的思想的能力。在独处中，你可以找到自己这样你才能很好地转向别人，与他们形成真正的联系。当我们缺乏独处能力时，我们联系别人仅仅是为了减少焦虑或者为了感觉到自己还活着。这时候，我们并不真正地欣赏别人，而这好像是把他们当做支撑我们脆弱的自我感的备用零件。我们简单地认为总和别人保持联系就能让我们不那么孤单。但是这是有风险的，因为事实恰好相反。如果我们不能够独处，我们会更加孤单。而如果我们不能教会我们的孩子独处，他们只能学会如何体验孤单。

When I spoke at TED in 1996, reporting on my studies of the early virtual communities, I said, “Those who make the most of their lives on the screen come to it in a spirit of self-reflection.” And that’s what I’m calling for here, now: reflection and, more than that, a conversation about where our current use of technology may be taking us, what it might be costing us. We’re smitten with technology. And we’re afraid, like young lovers, that too much talking might spoil the romance. But it’s time to talk. We grew up with digital technology and so we see it as all grown up. But it’s not, it’s early days. There’s plenty of time for us to reconsider how we use it, how we build it. I’m not suggesting that we turn away from our devices, just that we develop a more self-aware relationship with them, with each other and with ourselves.

1996年我在TED演讲，报告我关于 早期虚拟社区的研究时曾说：“那些对于网络世界最为投入的人是带着一种自我反省的精神上网的。”这也是我现在想要呼吁的，我们需要一些反思，更甚者是，展开对话讨论我们目前技术的应用会将我们带向何方，会让我们失去什么。我们被技术带来的错觉迷住了，而且我们就像年轻的恋人一样害怕说太多话会毁掉浪漫的气氛，但是是时候该交谈了。数字技术伴随我们长大，所以我们也认为技术已经成熟，实则不然，它还在起步阶段。我们还有很多的时间反思我们应当如何应用它，如何发展它。我并不是说我们应该抛弃我们的电子设备，我只是建议我们应当与电子设备，与比人，也与自己，建立更加有自我意识的关系。

I see some first steps. Start thinking of solitude as a good thing. Make room for it. Find ways to demonstrate this as a value to your children. Create sacred spaces at home - the kitchen, the dining room - and reclaim them for conversation. Do the same thing at work. At work, we’re so busy communicating that we often don’t have time to think, we don’t have time to talk, about the things that really matter. Change that. Most important, we all really need to listen to each other, including to the boring bits. Because it’s when we stumble or hesitate or lose our words that we reveal ourselves to each other.

我们可以从这些方面开始改变：把独处当做一件好事，为它留出空间。向你的孩子们说明独处的代价。在家里开辟出专门的空间，例如厨房或者客厅，用于和家人交谈。在工作上也可以这样。我们在工作时总是忙于“浅层的”联系，以至于没有时间思考，也没有时间谈论那些真正重要的事情。是时候改变了。最重要的是，我们真的需要聆听彼此，包括说的那些无聊的细节。因为正是在我们结巴，迟疑，找不到适合的词的时候，我们才向对方展现出真实的自我。

Technology is making a bid to redefine human connection - how we care for each other, how we care for ourselves - but it’s also giving us the opportunity to affirm our values and our direction. I’m optimistic. We have everything we need to start. We have each other. And we have the greatest chance of success if we recognize our vulnerability. That we listen when technology says it will take something complicated and promises something simpler.

技术正在试图重新定义人们的联系——例如我们怎样关心别人，和关心自己——但是它也给了我们机会来确认我们的价值观和发展方向。对此我很乐观。我们拥有做这种改变所需的一切。我们身边有彼此，而且我们有很大的几率成功，只要我们意识到我们的脆弱性——我们会轻信技术能“将复杂的事情变简单”的这种脆弱性。